Last August, I wrote this article to remind myself how to encourage my children to sit in church and think it’s worth reposting in preparation for the first Sunday of family month:
Going to church with my children has been my greatest joy and my greatest challenge. My methods have changed from when my oldest daughter was born 10 years ago and how we manage things today. When I realized things weren’t working for me I sat down and thought about what my goals were in taking my children to church and what was stopping me from reaching these goals.
My desires for my children
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To associate joy with church
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To love and worship God
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To learn more about the Holy Scriptures and God’s plan for their lives
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To build godly friendships
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To learn new hymns and scriptures
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To feel God near
Why wasn’t it working?
1. The children were hungry and tired–big church comes right at lunch time and nap time
2. They distracted each other–hugging, kissing, and poking soon turned into screaming and wrestling
3. If I brought books, snacks or toys into the sanctuary…
a. They quickly went through them and wanted more
b. They made a mess with everything
c. It distracted them from getting much from the service
d. It distracted those around us
e. The older children wanted what I brought for the baby
f. I lost my cool quickly from sensory overload (too much visual movement, noise, and things bumping into me)
4. When I took all things away, the children started to hate coming to church.
5. They used bathroom breaks as an excuse to leave the service.
What does work?
1. Bringing a snack for everyone to eat before entering the sanctuary. This keeps blood sugar levels stable and helps the children control themselves. They learned noone would eat upstairs, not even the baby–except for nursing with a cover.
Here are some things I’ve taken for snacks: cheese and crackers, mozzarella cheese sticks, sliced apples, peanut butter finger sandwiches, wheat thin crackers, homemade bread, muffins, bagels, grapes, raisins, animal crackers…
2. I take them all potty and to get drinks before the service and let them know they won’t be leaving the service for these reasons.
3. When we sit on the pew I carefully order the children so that the ones that are ornery aren’t together.
4. Not bringing a lot of toys or books for the children. It keeps their entertainment expectations low.
5. There are some things I make sure to keep with me for those tough moments. They are ordinary looking things, not labeled as toys. It helps them be more interested if they think it’s something real. Here’s a small list:
a. A mechanical pencil for each child and if they start to fidget I let them doodle quietly on a scrap of paper before it turns into a discipline problem. (If I wait until they have been really naughty to hand them something it’s like rewarding their bad behavior.)
b. A small photo book in my purse with wallet size snapshots of family and friends
c. A handkerchief to roll up as twin babies in a cradle. I couldn’t find any instructions online so here’s a little video how to do it.
d. Chap-stick
e. Hand cream
f. Band-aids and Kleenex eliminate 2 more reasons for getting up
6. Also there are small things I can do to help the children stay focused.
a. Give them a gentle hand massage
b. Illustrate the sermon on a bulletin
c. Help an older child make a list of words they might hear during the sermon. During the sermon when they hear a word on their list, they place a little tally mark. It really keeps them listening.
d. Fold the bulletin into origami while they listen. I only know how to make a boat, but it works.
7. If my very small child (less than 2) gets fidgety I’ll stand in the back and hold him. A change of view usually does the trick.
8. And I’m not above having a little sweet tart treat for the children that don’t have to leave the service for discipline :).
f. After church I try to stay long enough to allow them to talk with their friends or run on the lawn a little bit.
Does it really work? Well, it works better than anything else I’ve tried. If you’ve sat near me during church, you’d know it’s not a perfect system. The children are still children and we all get weary and short tempered and sometimes I have to leave the service with a toddler under one arm. But they do grow and learn…and so do I. I’m so glad church is a place for sinners to find the grace of God :).
does your church not have a nursery for the little ones? Or do you just prefer to have them with you? Mine are 2 and almost 4 and we have nursery up to pre-k, so I haven ‘t had to deal with this yet, but great tips for the future!
I love the idea of an older child listening for key words and checking them off the list! So many other great ideas too. Thx for sharing!
Thanks for the great ideas! I have 3 year old twins and I prefer to keep them in service with me for now. They have for the most part done very well because they were born and raised in the pew. I also tried from the time they were small to arrange nap time for this time which worked well until they recently gave up naps. But they were awake for the singing and then slept during preaching. May not work if your child fights sleep though!!
I have several things that helpedmy children behave in church. One is blanket training when they were infants. This is where you train your baby to stay on a blanket on the floor with a couple of quiet toys. Train at home before church. This is also very helpful in many situations. It is much easier to take a blanket with you rather than a playpen!
Another thing for older children, give them pencil and paper but require them to only draw about what the sermon is saying. If they hear about Jesus, they can draw Him. If they hear a testimony about a cat, they can draw that, , etc.
There are many other things that worked for me too. I also often sit next to my standing child who can’t yet read during hymns and whisper the words ahead of time so they can sing too.
I appreciate your suggestions too and have found those things to work as well. Someday I will get a class together about all this. I keep putting it off! Thank you for your posting your ideas. I know this helps moms!
Great suggestions!!! I read a book once called “Parenting in the Pew” by Robbie Castleman. It was really helpful. She came from a Presbyterian background and I am Baptist so some parts of the service that she shared suggestions for were a little different than what we do at our church, but her reasoning behind it and many of the suggestions were super helpful. I share a little about it and another great resource in a post on my blog at: http://wstandlea.wordpress.com/2010/08/20/parenting-in-the-pew-thoughts-on-teaching-our-children-to-worship-on-sunday-mornings/
Wow! Thank God for grace and the Children’s Ministry!
You are a braver woman then me. Main thing I look for in a church is a remarkable children’s ministry. I wouldn’t get a thing out of the service if my kids were sitting with me. You go on with your bad self girl, with your kids sitting through the service.
Very interesting post. Personally, I think your kids are great in church Angela. š Sometimes I wonder if there are ways we could get the kids more involved in the main service so they know the service is for them too, not just the adults. I also believe that the kids are absorbing a lot just by being there. Praise God for that!
Thanks, Julie. I agree with your idea of involving the kids in the main service. For awhile we would get the hymns in advance and teach them to the kiddoes ahead of time so it would be familiar when they heard it at the service.
We have a nursery, but no “Sunday school” program in our churches. Normally kids up to three or four are in the nursery for at least one service (we attend two each Sunday). Everyone, including adults tend to eat candies/peppermints during the sermon, so they get a few, but they don’t usually last long. Thankfully we eat a meal within a few hours of the service beginning, but the afternoon service is often right at the youngest child’s nap time. Mommy will often stay home with the little one who is sleeping if this happens.
We found a “worship notes” printable online this year (http://mmmcrafts.blogspot.com/2010/08/worship-notes-for-kiddos.html). My daughter just turned 6 and loves it, especially now that she can read. We printed them two to a sheet and made a little booklet. My 4 year old has his own too, but since he’s just a beginning reader, it’s not as effective for him.
I have taken the youngest two in as newborns, but once they get less sleepy I usually start to leave them in the nursery. My 19 month old goes to the nursery, but we would like to have her sit with us soon. I would love to have even my babies in church with us (I am often distracted and miss them!) but I’m not sure I can keep their attention!
Kim, I love that sermon notes sheet. Thanks for sharing the link! I’ll be using that.
My mother had a shoestring in her purse to help the children keep their hands busy and their bodies quiet. She would wrap it around her grandchildren’s hands or make bows. It was a treasure to sit next to grandma. Now that she has died – I can’t help but think of her when I find a spare shoelace.
Thanks for these helpful ideas! Our church does not have children’s church, and we believe in keeping our children with us once they reach about 18 months or so. Before that, we usually keep them in the nursery. I will definitely be trying some of these tips! Thanks!
These are great ideas, Angela! For the past few years we’ve rewarded our 10-year-old son’s good church behavior with a little trip to Starbucks after the service. Not as frugal as your ideas, but it’s worked for us. However, I think I will share your tips with some younger families in my church who could use them.
Lots of great tips. We never used a nursery except for nursing. Our kids are 6 and 5 and we rarely have any issues. One thing that we try to remember is children will be children. When they were younger we didn’t mind if they fell asleep, they still do on occasion, but we are trying to work with them on this since they are older now. We used to bring a backpack with a notebook and colored pencils and when they were really young a few soft quiet toys. We weaned them off of this one this past year. Occasionally we still let them write. I have learned that while the kids are drawing, coloring or doing something quiet that they are still listening and learning more than most would know. My son is one of those who never stops moving, so writing helps him pay attention on those difficult wriggly days. We also want our children to love church and to have a respect for the word of God. I think talking and explaining what we are doing and why is an important part of training your children to sit in church. These conversations normally take place in the car on the way to or from church. We also bring snacks and drinks in the car ride and they have them for right after the church service too. I like that you mentioned allowing them to play for a bit before leaving. I think this is an important part of church. Part of the purpose of church is for the body to fellowship with each other and our children are a part of that.
Thanks for sharing your tips with others!
Hi Angela,
Thank you so much for sharing your tips on how to get children to sit in Church. I don’t know if your Church is like mine but I applaud you for keeping them with you. I attend a Family Integrated Church. If anyone wants more information about this then please go to this site http://www.ncfic.org/confession. In our Church we all sit together as families just like the early Churches did. There is no children’s ministry, no nursery and no youth groups essentially no age-segregation modeled after our current culture because it’s not Biblical. Children are in the Church with their family as God intended it to be. In His word God calls for family discipleship. Families are breaking down today and the segregation of the family unit in the Church does not help that problem. Children need to see their parents worshipping and learn the word of God not just think they go to Church to be entertained in a children’s ministry. Or to believe that going to worship God means separating them from their family. I could say so much more about this but instead I will list some scriptures that others can look up if they read my post on supporting family worship. Joshua 8:33-35, 2 Chronicles 20:4, 13, Deuteronomy 31:11-13, Ezra 10:1, Joel 2:15-17 just to give a few. To read an article on supporting the family on worship together which means parents and children even babies paste this link into your browser url: http://www.aboverubies.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=316:family-a-church-should-children-be-in-church&catid=185:family-and-church&Itemid=400028
I pray that this really helps those who needed the support and perhaps opened the eyes of those who have not considered this yet. God Bless.
Lovingly,
Sheri Payne
I believe my children should be raised attending the regular church services. As much as possible I only take them out to nurse (for babies) or discipline. If we have to leave the service I want them to be miserable. They have to sit on my lap or be held with out making a sound or moving at all. I want them to be bored bored bored so when we go back into the service and they have the freedom to move a little bit, color, and play with small toys its a joy compared to sitting with mom in the foyer. If one starts getting restless toward the end of a long service a back rub or hand/foot massage (for little ones) usually settles them right down.
I know that they are listening. Many times my 2 or 3 year old will chime in with a raised hand to a question the preacher asked or a whispered question about something just said. Sometimes he’ll even ask questions about the sermon on the way home. They really are little sponges even when it looks like they aren’t paying attention.
Also, we have piano music playing before the service starts. This is when I let them have a snack. I tell them to be finished before the talking begins. We also use the restroom and get a drink before entering the sanctuary. We discuss the rules before entering church and I’ll usually whisper a reminder when we sit down. My rules are simple. Sit still with your rear on the chair and no talking, no noise.
I recently started bringing a small offering type basket to put their crayons in so there’s no crinkling of a sack or loose crayons rolling away. They each get a coloring book and can pass the basket back and forth. We’ve only dropped it once and it was a quick, quiet pickup. I let them have a couple small quiet toys up to about age 4, then they only can color and write.
My children aren’t perfect and I’m sure we are sometimes distracting but we’re constantly learning and trying new things.
All great ideas. It is encouraging to know that amazing preachers like Billy Graham spent many hours SLEEPING under the pew, as a boy! Nothing’s perfect but God can get His word through!